you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Help. Why am I so naked?
Randomize
