Me too!
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Randomize
