Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
