After last night, I could never be a politician.
ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
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