i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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