Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
