My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
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