it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
