You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
