i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
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