you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
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