she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
