he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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