I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
