May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
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