you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
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