I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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