I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Randomize
