if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
