Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
