you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
