just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
