stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
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