i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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