they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
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