Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Randomize
