I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Sorry my hands just texted you
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
