My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
