you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
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