I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Randomize
