Whats the glycemic index on semen?
two words: eviction party
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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