Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
