had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
