She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
