We tried having a conversation with our noses.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
