Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
