If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
