I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Randomize
