Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
she pinky promised me she was 18
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Randomize
