If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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