You don't have asthma, your pregnant
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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