Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Randomize
