if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
