Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
false alarm. still invincible.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Randomize
