I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Randomize
