We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
