Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
