why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
