sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
