Four minutes until I can fart!
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Randomize
