Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
I want her autograph on my taint
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
